Biden Administration Cracks Down on Illegal Streaming

In a slew of executive orders today, the Biden Administration directed the FBI and Department of Homeland Security to prosecute illegal television streaming. 

The regulatory move comes in advance of Super Bowl LVII, which airs this Sunday and is expected to be the most-watched broadcast in American history. 

Mike Rodriguez, who was interviewed under an alias, is now living in fear of arrest. To people like him, illegal streaming is just a part of their daily routine.

“Those folks on the hill promised to shake down the fat cats, but now they’re coming for little guys like me,” Rodriguez said. “Cable shouldn’t be so damn expensive if they want me to buy it.”

A bipartisan resolution opposing the law enforcement directive has already leaked out of the U.S. Senate.

“I can’t always stream my favorite hockey games, so I’m forced to rely on underground websites,” Ted Cruz (R-TX) said. “Being from Canada, this is very important to me.”

The Biden Administration held a tight-lipped press conference Tuesday morning to explain the decision and its funding.

“It doesn’t matter what I say,” White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said. “None of you bitches at home know how to watch this shit without the feds pulling up.”