Company Has Bedpans Provided To Employees To Bolster Productivity

SILICON VALLEY – In an effort to increase productivity, startup tech company MATTE has begun providing bedpans to its employees, so they never have to leave their desks.

“An in-house study that we conducted found that employees take an average of 7 minutes to respond to an email. With a constant of 3 minutes allotted for the composition of an email, our researchers were able to determine that for those 4 unaccounted minutes, more than 70% of them were spent on bathroom breaks,” explained Darren McIlroy, the CFO of MATTE and owner of 4 Teslas and two mega-mansions.

“That’s lost revenue spent on unproductive labor costs. Our solution: provide each employee with a bedpan, just like how we deliver lunch right to their desk.”

MATTE took their initiative even a step further and closed all of their public and private restrooms in the building.

At press time, four weeks after MATTE introduced the bedpans, their employees were already two weeks into an office-wide strike. The strikers touted picket signs that read “No Restroom, No Peace!” and many took the bedpans they were given and had begun throwing them at the building doors.