Tragedy: Man Offered Multivitamin to Guest in an Attempted Welcoming Gesture

PENNSYLVANIA — Local man Drew Randolph made a wholehearted attempt to embody the role of “host” after inviting into his home a woman with whom he was reportedly interested in courtship. Immediately, his efforts fell flat when he offered the guest a single multivitamin as if it were a fun, shareable, FDA-approved snack. 

Police obtained footage of the event as the perpetrator had a Ring Doorbell camera accidentally installed on the inside of his home instead of the outside. What they found was tragic: not even his nine lit candles nor romantic jazz playlist could resurrect the vibe he so violently murdered.  

The recipient of the offer expressed a desire for anonymity, but disclosed that her astrological sign is Virgo, which she commented “made [the interaction] especially hurtful. It wasn’t even a chewable…” 

The news sparked shock and outrage from the community. Dozens took to the street of Randolph’s home to protest. Groups chanting “A vitamin is not a snack!” could be heard from miles away. 

We reached out to Randolph’s roommate Nick Corridor to find out if this type of behavior was in any way precedented.  

“Us guys, you know, we care about nutrients and shit. I would never say no to a vitamin, like, that’s a vitamin. It’s what the body needs. Romantic if you ask me but that’s just my boy.”