American Baby Displays New Evolutionary Adaptation, Born With Glock Instead Of Hand

RICHMOND – A perfectly healthy baby boy was born at the VCU Main Hospital in downtown Richmond this morning but with an appendage that doctors have never seen before: a fully-loaded Glock 19 instead of a left hand.

The semi-automatic handgun is fully formed and meets at the boy’s wrist, situated perfectly so that it is pointing away from the body when the arm is extended. Nurses said that they ‘popped off’ a few rounds in the delivery room to make sure that the child has complete mobility.

Upon hearing the news, Dr. Steven Bolonski, a primatologist who studies aspects of human behavior and evolution at the University of Pennsylvania, is urging the medical community to label this appendage as a ‘new adaptation’ rather than a deformation and he speculates that we may start seeing more Glocks instead of hands in the near future.   

“All organisms are subject to evolution and new adaptations can be a response to a change in the ecosystem. When you consider the rise of gun violence in the United States, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that our offspring are born already adapted to their environment.

We reached out to the unnamed baby boy’s parents to learn their interpretation of this discovery.

“I mean, who knew that those ‘kicks’ that I felt were probably just him practicing reloading! We are thinking of calling him ‘Dead-Eye Jones’, the middle name being my maiden name. How cool is that?!”