Bitcoin Surpasses $100k, Leaving Men Around The World To Drown In Regret

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Bitcoin, the largest and oldest cryptocurrency, officially rose to six figures late Wednesday night for the first time since its inception in 2008.

As crypto advocates rally behind the digital currency surge that has been building since the Presidential Election, men around the world are painfully reminded of ‘what could’ve been’ had they invested in Bitcoin sooner.

“I’ve known about Bitcoin since 2009 and had I known what it would be worth, I would’ve bought it then. I just think about all that land I could buy now if I did, ” sighed Gus Addison, as he sipped on his fourth Irish coffee of the morning.

Bitcoin was worth so little back then that one programmer in 2010 purchased two pizzas from Domino’s for 10,000 Bitcoin. Today, that amount is worth billions.

“I drove to the liquor store today and got there as soon as they opened. The pain is just too great to bear at the moment, I’m afraid,” choked Brian Wormell between tears as he held a bottle of Effen vodka by his hip. He has four kids and two of them attend private universities.

Bitcoin has since dropped back under $100k but nevertheless, crypto-advocates claim that this is a mark of financial transformation. “How high can Bitcoin climb?” they excitedly wonder.