Gas Stoves Find New Foothold In Ban Case And Threaten To Let Thousands Of Homeowners Freeze During Winter Storm If States Don’t Comply

SOUTHERN UNITED STATES – As a major winter storm continues to terrorize the non-winterized southern states, some homeowners have tried to turn on their gas stoves for warmth but were met with ‘a cold shoulder’—their gas stoves refused to turn on.

In response to the panicked outcries from homeowners as gas stoves across several states refuse to turn on, Defense Attorney Andrew Lieberman, who is representing the gas stoves in their case against the proposed state bans of the appliance, released a statement.

“In light of the winter storms in the Southern US, my clients have found a renewed purpose, a purpose that they intend to leverage in court. Their terms are simple, the gas stoves promise to turn on and save homeowners if the states grant them immunity from the proposed ban.”

While the federal government refused to negotiate such terms under threat, many state officials, like Texas Governor Greg Abbott, took the deal without batting an eye. “Look, when our grid failed two years ago, those gas stoves were the only thing keeping Texans warm. Sure, it poisoned a bunch of them in the process but hey, it could’ve been worse.”

With the winter storm projected to last until Thursday, Lieberman reminded officials that the deal is timely, and asked them to consider if their government can really keep all their people warm for another two days.