HURRICANE MILTON EVACUATIONS: FLORIDA MAN COULD VERY WELL DIE IN TRAFFIC

ST. PETERSBURG, FL – Evacuations in the wake of Hurricane Milton have slowed to a crawl and millions of Floridians find themselves trapped in traffic.

Fluctuating between Category 3 and 5 with winds reaching 120 mph, Hurricane Milton is the most powerful hurricane to make landfall in Florida in a century, forcing millions to evacuate – including the ones who have braved storms in the past.

Florida Man, Gus Mayhew, is one of those who has never evacuated. Now, he finds himself not 5 miles from his pontoon boat, sitting in traffic on the interstate as the storm looms.

“This is bullshit. I’ve been evacuating for the last 4 hours and I’m still nowhere near the safe zone. I might as well have stayed on the boat and hoped for the best,” said Mayhew, a local crocodile hunter.

“I’ve been saying for years that this country needs better public infrastructure. Maybe if we had ANY trains in this state, there wouldn’t be so much congestion on the roads. But shit, what do I know, I’m just a crocodile hunter who isn’t married to Lana Del Rey.”

At press time, Hurricane Milton made landfall and those residents still in their homes were asked by FEMA to shelter in place and wait to be airlifted to avoid further contributing to traffic.