Family Couch Has Absolutely Had It, Says It Wants To Quit

THE LIVING ROOM — You can’t have a house without a couch. In most cases, it’s the first piece of furniture that you purchase when you are moving into a new place. So many fond memories surround this piece of living room furniture but for one family couch, the only memories that they have are nightmares.

“There’s nothing worse than being a couch,” griped the Couch, who has been a part of its family’s living room ensemble for the better part of 10 years. “It’s worse than being toilet because people only throw up, pee, and poop on toilets but on a couch, people do all of these things and worse. For example, people eat on top of me. They do it for almost every meal so that they can watch TV, I don’t even remember the last time that they sat at the dining table to eat. You know what else people do on top of me? They fart. They fart while eating, they fart while sleeping, and they fart while sleeping and eating. All on top of me. It’s degrading.”

Reporters contacted the owners for an official comment, and they said that they were surprised to hear that their couch was looking to resign. “Couch has been with us for years and sure we’ve had our differences, but I didn’t think it had come to this,” said Barry Kleinman, who has an imprint of his buttocks permanently ingrained in the couch. “Like, our pet dog peeing on them all those years wasn’t cool and I’m sure those months that I slept on them while me and the wife had our differences weren’t easy, but I’d really hate to lose them. They are part of the family.”

At press time, our reporters learned that Couch had written their letter of resignation and cited that their last straw was the family’s teenage son having his girlfriend over to “Hulu and chill” while the parents were out of town.